I should have known.
I was skeptical as I fingered the sleek white box that fit easily in one hand. "Maternity pantyhose" it said. "One size fits all". Which somehow never, ever includes me. When I asked the sales gal to open the teeny tiny box of black tights and she pulled out a thin, wrinkly ribbon of black.. I should have walked away.
"These are maternity tights? They look like regular ones."
"Well, they have less elastic at the top."
"But the top is just as skinny as the legs. How is that supposed to fit around this?" ((holding the skinny black floss up against my wide belly))
"We haven't had any complaints."
"But here.. if you tug on this ((stretching the top between my hands)) there is not a lot of give. Can I return them if they don't fit?"
Why didn't I walk away? Because it said maternity pantyhose and somehow my eternal optimism got the best of me.
I've never had such a fight on my hands trying to get them on. I was actually winded. Out of breath. Like I zoomed up a flight of stairs two at a time. They are the opposite of maternity pantyhose. They are compression hose a skinny runner with 5% body fat might wear to make themselves more aerodynamic. Michael Phelps could shave a hundreth of a second off with these bad boys.
So where are they now?
On me as I type this. But not before spending some serious hours in time out.
That'll teach you stupid one size fits all non-maternity maternity panty hose.
Next time, I'm spending the extra bucks and buying the Spanx maternity hose. In size "humongous".